Channel Five

We all know that Richard Desmond has bought FIVE. And we all know that owns the Daily Express and Television X and OK!. FIVE is soon to be rebranded Channel Five, in a canny move that reflects what everybody called it anyway. Desmond has also apparently bludgeoned some advertising executives into a new advertising strategy. Unfortunately, as I shall explain, it's pitiful. And luckily for him, I know how to make it better.

I wonder if the "high five" is an intentional visual pun

So as I had the misfortune to be looking through the Daily Mail recently, I spotted a large advert for Channel Five taking up about half a page of TV listings. It was entitled:

TOP FIVE ON CHANNEL FIVE

It was a list of the top five shows of that day that were on Channel Five. The old "FIVE" logo - in the photo above - was being used, with the word "Channel" quickly plastered over the top in Photoshop.

Here's the shows it listed as its "top five", which were given their starting times as well:

• The Wright Stuff
• Neighbours
• Panda Week with Nigel Marven
• Emergency Bikers
• Law & Order: Criminal Intent

It's worth noting that, quite admirably, the majority (well, three of five) of these shows are British. One is an Australian import, and the other a huge American franchise import. That's not a bad range for a British channel when it's listing its best shows.

The obvious downside to the list is that all but one of them is worth watching, and that's Law & Order. This is the fundamental problem with Channel Five, and subsequently this advertising campaign's aim. The aim here is to heighten awareness of Channel Five's output, to make sure we know what's on, and when it's on. But that's not why Channel Five doesn't have massive audiences.

The real problem is we already know what's on, and we know it's crap. No offence to Nigel Marven, and no offence to the cute panda species, but really? Panda Week? It just sounds dull. There's just too much rubbish on Channel Five to seriously pick five worthwhile shows to watch every day. Hell, I'd struggle to do that with channels I like. Even Dave gets a bit tiresome after a while.

So instead, Channel Five should try to build an ad campaign around the few decent shows that they do have. A bold, striking image of just one TV show. Its title. Its time of transmission. And then a great new slogan. As luck would have it, I'm so bored that I've had a go myself:

The Gadget Show: Who do you want to watch a show about gadgets? People who know about gadgets. So the backdrop of the Red Rings Of Death (taken from here) will draw in those who know about gadgets. Add some "hip" txt msg-style information about when it's on. Then apply the new slogan and you're done.

Cricket On Five: I couldn't get their proper logo and now, the more I think about it, the more I think I could've done this a lot better. The ad should be the cricket ball, the time and the slogan - no "CRICKET" at the top. Way too patronising.

CSI: Three of the main characters in a dark street sets the tone, and there's a dead body to boot. The time is presented in a similar (but not exactly the same, typophiles) font style.

(Please bear in mind that I made these in about ten minutes using Google Images and the laughably basic Paint.NET software. Advertising companies could do a heck of a lot better.)

Once you've hooked people in with your key programmes, you can then entice them to other stuff with relevant promotions. By this, I mean don't advertise your latest US import when somebody's watching Home And Away. Stick the US drama trailers in other US dramas. You want to solidify and build loyalty with those who've tuned in, so keep it relevant. And with that, Channel Five would go a long way to being a better channel.

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If you're really fascinated by how bloggers think the fifth channel could be done better, Dee4leeds wrote a series of articles about improving the channel in 2008. He covered potential acquisitions, its appearance, a hypothetical primetime schedule, and how to extend the brand.