Golf-themed porn is only good if the stars can putt

Have you ever experienced a work of fiction that's inaccurate but only because you have specialised knowledge? It's like a teacher watching Waterloo Road, a religious scholar reading The Da Vinci Code or a police officer watching Law & Order: it's absolutely fine for the casual audience, but you've got a familiarity with the subject which makes the moments of artistic licence a bit harder to swallow. Turns out, it can happen when you're watching a humble bit of pornography...

The Bible Cinematic Universe - revealed!

Noah is one of the most spectacularly visual of the Bible’s stories and it’s got to be one of the most widely-known. So it makes sense that Paramount picked the story of the great big boat to make a film out of – but it’s a shrewder move still to use it to set up the Bible Cinematic Universe.

That’s right. Stick around until the end of Noah’s credits and there’s a brief clip that sets up a sequel, which will go on to form a solid bedrock for Paramount to build up a massively ambitious cinematic franchise that could run for years, based on stories that have been told many times and are familiar to many.

But don’t worry, they will also be introducing lesser-known characters to pad out the Bible Cinematic Universe’s roster, as Paramount may only be sticking to the Old Testament. (The character of Jesus is subject to some rights issues with Mel Gibson, though William Wallace is up for grabs for any keen filmmakers.)

I’ve been leaked a secret look at Paramount’s growing plans for the BCU, which I will now share with you all. The studio is keen to follow the exploits of Noah’s family after the end of the film, but have yet to get Darren Aronofsky’s permission, so they’re working their way through the rest:

BABEL

(2016)

Expect this tale of mankind’s arrogance in building a skyscraper to touch the heavens to invoke lots of 9/11 imagery under the direction of Oliver Stone. My sources say that a brief rewrite from Ronald D Moore has slipped a phrase or two of Klingon into a climactic scene as the world descends into multi-lingual chaos.

SODOM & GOMORRAH

(late 2016)

Michael Bay is on board to direct this curious film: it begins with Abraham (Matt Damon) searching for righteous people – and finding “the most pornographic scenes filmed for American cinema”. Meanwhile, a group of angels do undercover work to find similarly righteous souls. It culminates in a blistering orgy of destruction, for which Bay is estimating a cost approaching $200m.

JOSEPH

(2017)

Wes Anderson was a natural choice for a family with a strained father-son relationship, with Bill Murray all but confirmed for the role of Jacob. Jeff Goldblum is sure to star as the Pharaoh with prophetic dreams. Because it’s part of a sprawling live-action franchise, Paramount vetoed Anderson’s suggestion that he return to his Fantastic Mr Fox animation methods for the Biblical tale.

MOSES: PART 1

(2017)

A return to the big, well-known Bible stories sees the story of Moses split into two. This half will see Daniel Radcliffe as Moses from birth up until the plagues of Egypt begin. Bay is a possibility to direct, but Paramount are said to prefer somebody who can handle the scope of the story, with some execs asking for Spielberg.

ANGELS OF LEVITICUS

(TV, beginning September 2017)

Each week a team of bland angelic heroes will go around corners of the Bible Cinematic Universe looking for people who are breaking a different rule of Leviticus. The “man shall not lie with a man...” episode is sure to draw a huge audience, but can it sustain through the duller patches like planting two different crops in the same field?

GOLIATH

(late 2017)

This script takes a brave direction in making the traditional villain of the piece, Goliath (Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson), into our hero – up against the devious, scheming David (Martin Freeman).

MOSES: PART 2

(2018)

Should Spielberg agree to the first he’ll certainly be asked back to helm the next chapter of Moses’s life – which acts a direct prequel to Agents of Leviticus, with a post-credits scene where Moses begins to write that Biblical book. Spielberg should be able to secure the mega-budget needed to show the parting of the Red Sea, the Ten Commandments at Mount Sinai and, of course, concluding the Egyptian plagues.

FIRST BORN

(Bible One-Shot)

Vince Gilligan has apparently already written the story of a normal Egyptian family who struggle with the decision of whether they should paint their door with lamb’s blood – or risk losing their first-born son. Bryan Cranston has already agreed to star, with a set-up cameo in Moses: Part 2.

JONAH

(2018) 

Not a final title by any means, but a likely one given the precedent set by the simple title of Noah. Paramount have yet to wade in to the battle of whether Jonah (possibly Jonah Hill, who insists his interest is not to do with the name) is swallowed by a big fish or a whale – and they have called in David Attenborough to talk over possibilities. Some executives are keen to avoid using a whale, in case audiences think they’ve mistreated it (“Blackfish crowd will be all over this” reads one scrawled Post-It note on an early draft).

Films of 2013

Last year I nearly drove myself to neurotic insanity with an effort to catalogue all the films I watched for the first time in those twelve months. Then I decided it would be even better to do it again in 2013! Because that’s the sort of nutcase I am.

Now, let's just recap how the list is constructed. After watching a film for the first time I place it into the list. The first film I watched this year was Trainspotting. Then I watched Catfish, which was better, so it went above Trainspotting. This process carried on throughout the year, as I gradually ranked these films alongside each other.

Along the way some odd things have occurred - Fast Girls and The Hunger Games are quite low down on the list, and they should probably be higher. But they're not, because of my bizarre self-imposed rule, supposed to keep order, that I cannot change a film's placement once its written into the list. Frankly, this is bullshit and next year I might adopt a different strategy (see below) - and why I didn't drop it after last year's fiasco where The Dark Knight Rises was allegedly better than Holy Motors, I do not know.

So, here's the list:

I’m not the only person listing films. Some of my friends have been at it, too.

• Dee4Leeds set himself the task of watching 100 films in 2013, listing them all on Twitter. But not ranking them. He only managed 84, the poor guy.
• Jonathan Pitcher is a friend who hasn't seen all that many films, so he set about doing a list in the hope that it would inspire him to see more films. And boy did that work a treat, especially as he got to watch The Silence of the Lambs. There are few things more rewarding than sharing a film that somebody goes on to love. Jon allows himself to shuffle films about willy-nilly, an atypically liberal move for him.
• But pride of place must go to rawcheese/Ross Whyte - a useful co-editor, good friend, and all-round loveable chap with a penchant for Christmas - who made two lists. He has his 2013 list which, like mine, lists all the films he's seen for the first time in 2013. In the spirit of my restrictions - too much editing dilutes the list's honesty - but with more sensibility, Ross lets himself change a film's position after the next time he watches it.
• Ross's other list is his All-Time List, into which the 2013 list is integrated, where he lists all the films he watches - new or already-seen. His hope is that this list will then carry on next year, and the next, until he has a gigantic list of every film he's seen since January 1, 2013, comparatively ranked. I've pondered amalgamating my two lists for a similar effect, but I don't know if I will.

Both me and Ross are also helping our lists along with obsessives' favourite, Letterboxd.