The State of the Nation (a poem)

Today is National Poetry Day and therefore a great day to celebrate good poetry — and an even better day to bury the bad stuff. Such as this, perhaps. In my old job I worked on loads of local newspapers across Britain, from one centralised office. Although “centralised” is an odd word to use for the south coast of England. Anyway, it occurred to me that by looking at these small stories from Cornwall to the Scottish Highlands, I was building up a pretty good picture of the country as a whole. (This would be why I did not vote for the Tories at the last election.) 

So on one random day I collated all the headlines I wrote for every story I copy edited, to give a flavour of exactly what the United Kingdom was up to one certain day. Our concerns, our crimes, our charities. I have not changed a word, nor the order they were written in. Here it is, a weird modern art poem. A mixture of found poetry and writerly intent. I wrote it just as much as I didn’t.

‘The State of the Nation (October 24, 2016)’

New waste collections and plenty of debate

New doors

Councillors concerned by dangers at junction

RNLI's thanks for £1,900

Killer crash driver: I was looking at my girl's app

Children go back to the Stone Age

Pannage pigs eat pony-poisoning acorns

Choc aye, it's a sweet kilt!

Loveable Lenny likes quiet life and walks

'It was gratuitous violence'

Farewell party for doctor

Police arrest woman in raid and close suspected brothel

'Toothless weasel' avoids jail for CCTV videos of sex

WI members get a slice of the action making pizza

Have you won jackpot in hospice lottery?

Restaurant loses booze sale licence

Attention for local issues

War stories at film's premiere

Young musicians win bursaries

PM backs apprentice nuclear science class

Theatre school's anniversary

Lights, Cornwall, action!

Shed burns down / Crash delays traffic / Block of flats blaze

Taste mystery sausage to win

Pianist is swinging / Poet telling stories / French metal band

Restaurant wins awards

Fire risk warnings over fancy dress

Stay safe for Hallowe'en

Report potholes in online map

The current cull of subjects at A-level is only partly justifiable

Dame dazzles film festival

Nancie's 100th birthday party

Led Zeppelin show / Exhibition of art

Reward of £20,000 to help catch killer

'Killer clowns' warning as Hallowe'en looms

Cupcakes and coffee

Will it be Sussex success for Jane in the Bake Off

Enter business bands for battle

Village pub is up for sale after owners retire

Garden centre trains managers

Arsonist is jailed after smoke kills woman, 96

Sweet treats for town's shoppers

Shopkeeper fined for illegal tobacco

Ambulance cadet earns top award

Stolen jewellery worth £500,000 is recovered

Lessons we can learn in dealing with refugees – and migrants

Diversity campaigner praised

Post Office does first class job!

Taxi booking office plan is 'inappropriate'

Shopfront revamp approved

Prisoner is charged with murder after inmate dies

Drunk man to pay fine

Children will be playing in the streets thanks to new scheme

Be pretty in a pink beard for charity

Rail unions seek nationalisation

Battle for IS-held villages

Blue-sky thinking