See, I've got a friend who likes porn because he's a normal human being. But as well as that, he's a regular golfer. I can play golf, too, just not especially well. Anyway, he told me he'd seen some golf porn and - even though I've spent more hours than I care to mention on the Internet - I was a little surprised by this fact.
Sure, golf is pretty perfect for a Carry On film with all its talk of shafts, balls, holes, and so on. But that's a bit of innuendo - not full-blown porn.
My friend said that the majority of golf porn was just a themed twist on the student/teacher porn genre: a young woman is learning to play golf and her instructor fucks her. That's fair enough, and is probably quite appealing to the usual golfing demographic: old men who would love a chance to get their hands all over some unfortunate younger lady.
But my curiosity was piqued and - after I saw the word "golf" flash by on PornMD's hypnotic live-search scroll - I decided to search the Internet for golf-themed porn and see what all the fuss was about. I came across a few instructor-based clips, but my attention was caught by a video on RedTube called "Blonde lovers sexy game of golf". I've never found golf to be especially sexy, but I've never played with some blonde lesbians.
I hit play, unaware how badly this would go.
It opens with a fade from black onto a golf course. Except... that's not actually a golf course, is it? One big green with two flags in it? That looks a lot like mini-golf. Now, there's nothing wrong with sexy mini-golf - but I was promised actual golf.
Weirder still, there's a full set of clubs in a golf bag standing by the 'green'. But you don't need a whole set of clubs for mini-golf, you just need a putter. There's even some woods in that bag, with things to protect the clubhead, too! This is the bag of somebody who's got time and money to spend on golf, and yet they're at a mini-golf course and seemingly unaware of what to do.
Our golfing protagonists appear. They're dressed a little skimpily for golf and it doesn't look particularly like a hot day. It would be churlish to say they're clueless as to how golf works just because they're women, so instead I'll say they're clueless based on all the other evidence. Neither of them are wearing gloves or golf shoes (with spikes in the soles), but that's not really a problem because they're on a mini-golf course and it might not even be real grass. Although it certainly looks like it is.
There's a chance that instead of mini-golf it's actually a practice green as part of a genuine course, which would adequately explain the full bag of clubs. Perhaps they're not so clueless, after all!
Nobody stepped on the path of the putt which is good golfing etiquette. Then again, the ball's only a foot away from the hole so it's not like you wander into the path by accident anyway. Even though there's two players here there's just one ball - perhaps she's a beginner and is being tutored by the other one?
If that's the case, the expert should be removing the flagpole and laying it gently on the surface of the green away from the hole. But she seems more interested in sizing up the next shot.
Yes, the one in blue is almost certainly tutoring the other one... but if that's the case, she really should be doling out some advice on that swing. It's pretty terrible. That doesn't matter so much here, because that's not a putt anybody should be able to miss.
This is a level of hands-on training you don't often find in golf, but if it works for this pair, who am I to judge? This should fix that dreadful swing.
Wait, what?
WHAT?!
It appears that the amateur golfer is completely clueless: instead of using a putter, she's got an iron. A club designed to scoop up the ball into the air is not going to be as useful as one designed to push the ball along the ground, that's just basic stuff.
You go on the green, you get a putter. I refuse to believe that the bag of clubs didn't have a single putter. The tutor seems okay with it, though, which makes me wonder if she's even qualified to teach people how to golf at all. This isn't some super-specific arcane golf law, it's Golfing 101. You just can't play shots with the wrong clubs.
That's especially true if you're using them backwards - the back of the clubhead is being aimed up to hit the ball. The oddly-shaped back is going to provide nowhere near the level of control that the smoother face would, but as it's the wrong club for the job anyway I'm not sure it even matters.
Further evidence that this tutor is bogus: she's not corrected that loose grip. If she was handling irons like that on the fairway the club would probably just fall out of her hands. On the green that won't happen, but her grip still isn't ideal. Interlocking fingers isn't a universally-used way to hold the club, but she could have at least tried it first...
And she's... missed?! From a foot away, with the wrong club in the wrong direction, she missed. It got close, for sure, but it's a very bad play. Still, we all have off moments.
When I miss an easy shot I start shouting out swear words, and lots of them. This girl, on the other hand, takes it in her stride. She's smiling away and chatting to her tutor, perhaps discussing where she went wrong (hint: everywhere) and how to improve her next shot.
The tutor has taken the club - which is good because it's absolutely wrong. But now she's dropped it onto the green! You're not supposed to drop anything onto the green because you don't want to damage such a carefully-controlled bit of grass and then throw off other people's plays.
That's the final straw: she is no tutor of golf and, if employed as such, she should be sacked immediately.
Now, maybe they'll go and get a putter to finally sink this ball.
Oh. Or maybe they'll take their tops off and one will feel the other's arse? I've never done this in a game of golf before and I struggle to see what benefit it would bring either of them, golf-wise. But it is supposed to be a "sexy game", remember, so this to be expected. A little relaxing bit of arse-fondling before attempting the next shot. I like it!
Oh. Right. Well... that's taking things quite far, now, isn't it? Coincidentally, I don't think I've ever seen quite this move before: rubbing breasts on the bum. It's okay, though, but when will they get back to the game?
I think they've given up the game now, and are in engaging in behaviour that can only be described as bad golfing etiquette. You're supposed to take as little time as possible on a green so that others, playing behind you, can carry on with their game. Standing around joking about shots is skating on thin ice, so you can imagine how sex on the course is frowned upon.
And, before you know it, six painfully inaccurate minutes of golf end. We never find out if the ball ends up in the hole. All this from a company that thinks it's "a cut above the rest". I struggle to imagine a less representative game of golf than that which I have just witnessed.
Of course, for somebody who doesn't give a shit about golf, they won't notice anything wrong and will be happy that five minutes of the clip's runtime is taken up by lesbians enjoying each other's company. But the video isn't advertising by its stars or even its homosexual theme - its title sells it entirely on the fact that it's about golf!
And yet anybody with such an interest in golf is going to be monumentally distracted by its sheer, demented incorrectness.
But then, maybe having the stars being so monumentally wrongheaded when it comes to The Long Walk Spoiled (as golf is often called) is actually the whole, secret point of the video! After all, it only encourages the wiser viewer...
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